I told ya
I told ya
I told ya
Baby
Baby
Uh, uh
I told ya, baby
Uh-oh
I told ya, baby
Uh-oh
I told ya, baby
Uh-oh
I told ya, baby
Uh-oh
I told ya, baby
Uh-oh
I told ya

Got up in the club
Posted in the back
Feeling so good
Looking so bad

Rocking this skirt
Rocking this club
Got my middle finger up
I don't really give a f***

Rocking these diamonds
I'm rocking this chain
Make sure you get a picture
I'm rocking my fame

To be with you is
You gotta be what you are
The only thing I'm missing
Is a black guitar

I'm a rockstar
Hey baby
I'm a rockstar
Hey baby

Big city
Bright lights
Sleep all day
Up all night

Hey baby
I'm a rockstar
Hey baby
I'm a rockstar

Hey baby its..
Big cities
And bright lights
Sleep all day
Up all nights

Baby I'm a
Oh, baby I'm a
Oh, baby I'm a
Oh, baby I'm a
Oh, baby I'm a
Oh, baby I'm a
Oh, baby I'm a
Oh, baby I'm a
Hey, hey, hey

Six inch walker
Big sh** talker
I never play the victim
Id rather be a stalker


So baby take me in
Ill disobey the law
Make sure you frisk me good
Check my panties and my bra

Wildn out
A crazy house
With my white jacket on
Wont you come
And sign me out

To be with you is
You gotta be what you are
The only thing I'm missing
Is a black guitar

I'm a rockstar
Hey baby
I'm a rockstar
Hey baby

Big city
Bright lights
Sleep all day
Up all night

Hey baby
I'm a rockstar
Hey baby
I'm a rockstar

Hey baby its..
Big cities
And bright lights
Sleep all day
Up all nights

Baby I'm a
Oh, baby I'm a
Oh, baby I'm a
Oh, baby I'm a
Oh, baby I'm a
Oh, baby I'm a
Oh, baby I'm a
Oh, baby I'm a
Hey, hey, hey


Hey
I'm rocking out tonight
Cause I cant wait till tomorrow
I'm a live my whole life
In the night
Cause I aint got time to borrow
I'm rocking out tonight
Why wait till tomorrow
I'm a live my whole life
In the night

I'm a rockstar
Hey baby
I'm a rockstar
Hey baby

Big city
Bright lights
Sleep all day
Up all night

Hey baby
I'm a rockstar
Hey baby
I'm a rockstar

Hey baby its..
Big cities
And bright lights
Sleep all day
Up all nights

Baby I'm a
Oh, baby I'm a
Oh, baby I'm a
Oh, baby I'm a
Oh, baby I'm a
Oh, baby I'm a
Oh, baby I'm a
Oh, baby I'm a
Hey, hey, hey

Every cd I listen to I always manage to find one song that jumps out at me immediately. And right now listening to Rihanna's Rated R cd I found the song "Rockstar 101" that just managed to jump out at me immediately. It's sung semi slow with a quicker beat behind it and the way it's sung with her soulful voice just catches my attention. I still have yet to listen to Lady Gaga's new cd and Shakira's. But right now Rihanna has my full attention with this one song so far.

I went to go see New Moon last night with Mike and I thought it was an okay movie, it wasn't horrible. But I can not stand Bella at all. Every time Kristen Stewart came onto the screen my skin crawled and I don't know if it's because of her acting or because of the character she portrayed. I found myself more interested in the back story of the werewolves or the back story to the Volturi. The werewolves were the main reason I went to go see the movie. And they had a movie preview before the coming attractions about the movie 'The Wolfman' which I want to go see so badly. But to talk about the Volturi, I want to know their back story because they were so much more interesting what was going on with Bella and Edward. There's a scene in the movie at the end of the Volturi part of the movie that peaked my interest in them. It's a creepy scene because of what goes on off screen more than what goes on on screen. But I am highly interested in the Volturi.

Werewolves, my ultimate supernatural creature that I love besides dragons. My first ideal experience with a novel based around werewolves was 'Kitty and the Midnight Hour' which I will have to pick up again because it's been awhile since I read the book. I remember loving the way the author described the pack life and how the werewolves transformed. I can't remember if they had the option to change at will or not. But my ideal werewolf would be one who could change at will and who had to at full moon. Mary explained to me that Meyer's werewolves changed at the trigger of a threat. Which is okay to me but in the movie that's the only reason they change and I think that's too far away from the werewolf legend for me. Being a lycanthrope is a curse and it should be viewed that way in the sense that they won't be able to control their change at a full moon. But it can also be a blessing in the sense that they are now stronger, and more swift and agile. There was another I remember loving about the werewolves in the 'Kitty' series, they loved rare meat. To me that spoke volumes for some reason. But I would love to find a book with werewolves in it that describes being a lycanthrope as a curse and blessing.

So two weeks ago I saw this amazing car that kinda took my breath away when I saw it. And I cursed myself afterward cuz I couldn't see the model name since it was zipping in and out of traffic on the southern state two lanes over from me. I tried to explain it to Mary who my car guru but I did a horrible job of that so I went looking for it. And guess what! I found it. The pictures had the same affect on me as the actual car. It was a Pontiac Solstice with a spoiler on the back. Like this one...


I tend to go for the more curved or rounded cars i.e. my love for the VW bug(my dream car). But just like this one the Solstice and the Bug are more rounded than most cars so I apparently like rounded cars. :)

Now moving on to my reoccurring nightmare. Lately I haven't been able to remember my dreams but last week I had a reoccurring nightmare that kinda scared the beejeesus outta me. It starts off with me sitting on a camp bed in a gray brick bunker with at least ten other girls. We're all wearing gray dirty standard pajamas just sitting on our beds talking. Then a group of garishly made up women come in dressed in very bright costume dresses, much like the Victorian dresses. They've got makeup caked onto their face and one by one they come and grab each of us by the hair and drag us out the bunker into a communal shower room where they make us take scalding hot showers hitting us with horse whips if we try to get out of the water. Or they've got their hands in our hair gripping tightly to keep us under the water. Then we're dragged into a musty old changing area with vanity mirrors for each girl(like backstage at a Vegas show). They put just as much make up on us as they are wearing. Then they make us wear these disney character type costume dresses and I get paired up with an Alice in wonderland dress. Then they put us in this type of holding cell and each girl is slowly called out one by one, we can hear screaming from other rooms in the place and we can hear the muffle of an auction going on on the other side of the door where they call us from. That's when I have some sort of flashback where I am one of the girls that was just called. She gets shoved onto an old dusty stage and a spotlight is turned on her brightly and she can't see into the audience but the announcer starts the bidding on her and someone buys her. Then she is in this dirty hotel room and the guy who bought her is still shrouded in darkness and shoves her onto the bed rapes her and then kills her. I come back to my senses and start to panic. I run back to the first door we came through to get into the holding cell. It's unlocked so I get out of the holding cell and start running down the hallway into a large room with a big desk and an old man sitting in the chair behind it. I stop in my tracks and stare at him. He talks to me for a little bit 'You would've been our highest seller. But I am surprised you managed to figure it out and found your way out. I will let you go for now.' I don't say a word to him and rush out of the building onto a London street in my Alice in wonderland dress. When I look back the building is a nondescript townhouse and I can see the old man staring at me through the window ont he first floor.

Yea I was creeped out by this big time. It reminded me of Hostel and Saw.

Today was an awesome day. Woke up at around 7:50 this morning and just hung out in bed for a bit. Got up checked the email and stuff. Then around 12 I drove out to Mike's house hung out with him till 4 then we drove to I believe Short Beach? Which was a nice drive with all the windy curvy roads. And hung out with his friends on the beach bbqing it up and just chilling with them. Told Mike that I gotta get him a tan so we're planning on going back to the beach on Saturday next weekend and just bringing a picnic with us. :) And next Saturday I'm supposed to go to a party for my class and just hang out there. But we'll see what's going on. I kinda wanna bring Mike with me but I don't know how that'll work. But I had so much fun at the beach with Mike and his friends. It was just cool to talk and hang out with people. And I was the youngest one there...I kinda realized that half through the day and was just like 'cool.' I dunno it was weird but not really. Anyway I'm working on my tan again! Yay! I love the sun and my boyfriend. :)

This was one of the many questions posed at me last night on my adventure with Mary and Jenn. And it's weird...I gave them the answer of an otter because otters are adorable and they're aquatic and I love the water in any shape or form. But now thinking about it...I don't know what animal I would be. I looked up cats because I love cats but they're all solitary animals and I'm not solitary anymore even though I can be I prefer to keep contact with someone through talking. And most species in the feline family are solitary creatures. Except for Lions. Lions can either be solitary Nomads who either travel alone or with a partner, or they can be Residents as in they live in a group called a pride. But yea I don't know of any animal that I would turn into as my true animalself. I'll have to look into it some more...

Ummm...so yea. He's amazing! Haha, I mean we've been talking nonstop almost for nine days now and the conversation just hasn't stopped. Haha, I'm shocked and surprised that he's kept my interest for so long because usually I will get bored with conversation and just get quiet sometimes or just let the other person talk but it's different with him. I want to talk and I want to vent and I just I don't know. It's weird, we have this sort of connection that we both feel but it's just so weird. I've never had this with any other guy I've met so far and it's a special thing to me. It's a very special thing. Four more days until I meet him and we were talking about last night online and I want to date this guy. Like full on mushy coupley date him. And what's scary is that I can myself dating him like that and not having it get weird at all. That kinda scares me because I don't want to jump ahead of myself but then I want this bad. I want a relationship where I don't feel like I have to be perfect for him like I felt with Erwin. I want a relationship where it's just comfortable to be around him and not have to be on my a-game all the time. I want to have what my classmates have, the relationship where they're doing things with their boyfriend's family and they just have this connection with them. I want that. I'm also happy that I'm not getting 'clingy' with this guy which is good for me haha. I'm cool with just not knowing what he's doing for the night or weekend which I wanted to know what Erwin was doing a lot but with this guy it's different. :) I'm excited for Friday and so nervous haha. Nervous that it might not work out and I want it to and excited because now I get to meet him finally. Oh and he actually lives in Nesconset not Dix Hills I got that mixed up, he works in Dix Hills but lives in Nesconset.

I've become quite a popular girl lately haha. But that's only because Amanda is home from France for 2 weeks! Yay! Went and saw her last Friday night in Huntington and then Sunday went to her house for a sorta girls night with M.E., Sabrina, Mary, Amanda and Kelly. Kelly wound up leaving early but it was still good to see her again. But ya, we haha we talked about everything that night. And hopefully me, Amanda and Mary can meet up tomorrow night as well. And driving M.E. home Sunday night we bonded and it was awesome! I dunno it was just great talking and seeing her again. It was really awesome. I'm pretty busy this week which just tickles me pink I love it. I've got a run on Thursday night @ 7 with my sister/family. And then I'm meeting Mike on Friday night in Commack. And hopefully we'll be able to meet up this weekend as well cuz I really really like him haha.

Oh yesterday was horrible and I called it early yesterday morning haha. I was sick with a scratchy voice yesterday which got worse after working in the E.R. all day yesterday. It was bad because the techs in the E.R. yesterday didn't get up off their asses to go get the patients they made us do it all day. And now I don't mind going to get the patients but I'm tiny and have very little muscle to me so I hate driving stretchers down the hallway because I can't do it very well. And the techs just suck because they don't help. So I talked to Mike during lunch and he made me feel better about the day. But then fucking Erwin had to go and ruin that little happy bubble I was in! The idiot knew I was talking to Mike because I kept smiling and was happy. But he just had to pick at me right?! He asked if what I had with Mike was better than what we had when we were dating. And to be honest what I have with Mike is better than what I had with Erwin. So I told Erwin that and then I asked him why he wanted to know. Because really, why would he want to know!? He's got a girl himself so go be happy with her and leave me alone! I can be civil and nice and polite to him but that question just bugged me. He told me that it would help him but he didn't know how. WTF!?!?!? And then the idiot asked if we had started talking about sex yet. By that point I was just annoyed with him and gave him one word answers just to get him to stop talking about Mike with me. Because honestly, not a topic I want to be discussing with my ex thanks. Guys don't make sense! Well at least Erwin doesn't. But I'm over him completely now and I can tell because I don't go out of my way anymore to talk to him or to be considerate towards him and I won't initiate a conversation with him. And the idiot yesterday saw I was out in the office eating lunch talking to my sister on the phone and sat down next to me at the desk to study and talk!!!! WTF!?!?!?!?!?! I just don't understand him at all anymore and I can't wait to just graduate and not see him anymore. But yea I talked to Mike about all of that and he's cool with talking about my ex so he just made me feel so much better yesterday. Like completely and totally better.

:)

He makes me utterly and stupidly happy. It's kinda scary how easy we click and are able to talk for hours and not get bored or have weird awkwardness in between. It's amazing though! We're deffinitely honing down on a meeting date. And though I'm nervous I'm sooooo excited at the same time. I mean, we can't this amazing chemistry and then not have it when we meet right? I'm hoping and praying that we still have this amazing connection even when we meet in person. He's...uh. Haha, I can't really explain it to be honest. I want to have a relationship with him so badly. I really really do. I just...this feeling is so different from Erwin and that relationship and it's so amazing I can't explain it! It's...I have no words for once.

Have been amazing. I got bored last weekend and decided to join a dating website. Haha, it was a stroke of genius I'd like to think. First night I joined I got chatted up by numerous guys and normally that doesn't happen EVER in public. Figures it'd happen on a dating website. Haha. So I've met a couple of creeps online you know the type who just wanna have sex, which is cool I guess if you're into that. I've found out that I'm not. I'd love to have sex but I want the other stuff too. Like the cuddling(never done that yet) or the joking around and just talking to the guy in a normal conversation. I actually have 2 guys texting me about getting together and having sex. I made a mistake and giving them my number but I initially decide on whether or not we meet. But I have met a couple of guys who are so totally awesome that it's a wonder why they're single. And though I know they're not great in looks wise but their personality(of what I've uncovered of it so far and who knows if they're being honest with me.) is so sweet and amazing and I plan on keeping them as friends.

There's actually this one guy who I've been talking to everyday since Monday. And not once has the conversation ventured to sex and I think that's great because I'm getting to know him better that way and it doesn't feel as rushed or pressured or anything. He's so sweet too and we have great chemistry so far the conversation has just flowed between us either thru text or talking on the phone. And he's probably the sweetest guy to me right now always looking out for me or calling me 'pretty miss' or he's even called me beautiful a couple of times. And I love talking to him and getting to know him more and more. He just makes me happy and we have this connection that we both feel it's bizarre and strange and wonderful. We're planning on meeting next week for dinner or something and I'm kinda excited beyond belief haha. And I'm nervous at the same time. I mean, we have this great connection over the phone and thru texting and iming. But what if it goes south when we finally meet up? Ahhh!! I can't think like that, I gotta stay positive and just let whatever happens happen. But I really really like him so far. Hahaha. ^_^

Yea so my computer is completely and totally wonky lately. It's getting old and the screen keeps getting scrambled which is not a good thing. So I've asked my parents for a new desktop for graduation. I want one that will be able to handle my sims game without a problem because I loooooovvvveeeee my sims and miss them dearly since I can't play them anymore. But ya I need a new computer because this is becoming ridiculous.

Faxed my resume to Zwanger-Pesiri Radiology this morning. Hopefully I get a call back from them or that I can get an interview or something when I call them Monday. I'm gonna apply to Sloan Kettering as well in Manhattan. I'm just really busy with trying to get everything for school all together. I have to go get a passport photo taken of me real soon. I'll have to do that this weekend so I can get my applications in for the Registry test. Dun dun dun!!!! Ugh registry review has become a joke for us lately. They just hand us an old test and it's ridiculous! It really is. They're teaching us NEW stuff that we really don't need instead of reviewing the old stuff...it's bad sometimes.

My race is in 8 days! I'm kinda excited and kinda worried. I want to be able to run a full mile without stopping to walk by then but I don't think it'll happen. But I am trying running 5 miles for 5 days a week. I'm tired but it's the greatest stress reliever I've found ever. It's so nice to be able to just plug into my iPod and just start running. So peaceful and relaxing to me. I feel guilty on the two days that I don't run, haha. But I'm happy cuz tonight I was able to push myself and run for a little bit longer than what I have been doing. I just can't overdo it and mess up my muscles.

Life's lookin' up for me now...WATCH OUT! :)

Feeling lonely again...

So yea my legs are messed up. It hurts to walk, I think the muscles are really really stretched out to the max. Not good. So today was interesting went to specials today and dealt with George huffing and puffing all day about having to work. Meanwhile I'm sitting there thinking I'd love to have your job. I went home at 1 I couldn't take listening to him sigh one more time so I clocked out and got on a train. Walked home and got there by 2:50 woo! I'm getting quicker with my walking haha. Got changed into my running outfit because Jenn wanted to go running at the Howitt track so I said sure that's cool. Fell asleep outside in the sun for 2 hours after eating a bacon sandwhich so now I'm darker haha. Then drove to Jenn's house. We then did a very big first for me haha, we went to Expressions on rt. 109. It's an adult store and it was my first time going in there haha. Awesome! We did a video for her vlog haha at the track. Then we ran one lap walked one ran one and then walked the rest because I couldn't do it anymore with my legs. After doing the track we went to the firehouse and hung out with Glenn and his dad for a little bit before heading over to Wasabi for dinner. It was nice just to hang with them. Saw some cute firemen so that was a plus. Then went back to her house she got me icy hot and I went home. Haha, it was nice just talking to her. We talked about a lot of shit, parents, school, work, but the two major things that stick out have to be her telling me that I will probably be the biggest whorebagbitch when I get knocked up and my dream I had.

While we were walking I told her that engagements, deaths, and babies all come in 3's in my life. For instance 2 of my friends' sisters got engaged and then one of the techs at wra got engaged. And now it's babies, one of my old friends from junior is pregnant and one of the radiation therapist techs is pregnant I told Jenn that I was waiting for someone else to tell me their pregnant. Haha, she told that since I am so laid back and even tempered that I will probably be the biggest bitch when I am pregnant. And then she started immitating how I would be. Haha good stuff.

And then I told her about the dream I had last night. It starts off that I'm living in California happily married to Hokuto Konishi (from ABDC's Quest Crew) with a little 2 year old boy and pregnant with another baby. We fly to Japan to visit his family during the christmas season with his whole crew. We visited his sick grandfather who only speaks japanese and who I oddly bonded with while visiting him in the hospital even through the language barrier. Then after visiting in Japan we all flew to New York to visit my family and go to family parties. We were at my Aunt JoAnne's old house in farmingdale (which is odd since she's sold that house long ago) at a party and they're all supportive and happy with Hokuto and my little family so far when my parents get there all hell breaks loose. My mom decided she wanted to bring the dog with her and she couldn't handle her like always so the dog goes nuts when she saw me and charged like she normally does and jumped on top of me. I managed to turn my back to the dog and my son was sitting in a chair in front of me but I managed to catch myself on the wall before falling ontop of him. So then I freak out on my mom yelling at her for bringing the dog and how stupid that was for her to do. She gets mad at me and gets real close and intimidating to me and says in a real low voice that only I can hear "I hope you have a miscarriage". I break down run out of the living room where all this happened and into the kitchen. Hokuto and Jenn follow me trying to find out what happened when I tell them Jenn hugs me and Hokuto just holds me. Then my dad comes into the kitchen and he tries to find out what happened. I'm pissed at this point and tell him very emotionally that I never want to see, talk or hear from my mother ever again. And I don't want him to visit me, call me or email me because he is associated with her. And then the dream ends.

I know I'm not close to my mom at all. But that was harsh in the dream, real harsh.

So I think I killed myself tonight and I know I will be hurting a hell of a lot tomorrow. It hurts to walk and go up and down the stairs. Not good. Haha, but it was a good run I have to say. I actually enjoyed it a little bit. I walked and ran 5 miles in an hour. Went from Farmingdale H.S. to Hempstead Turnpike on the path. It was so gorgeous out that I couldn't help but go for a run. But yea I will be hurting tomorrow and my parents want to go running with me at Jones Beach tomorrow night...ummm maybe I will if I can actually walk tomorrow. XP

I am so proud of myself and my sister. First off my sister is the most amazing woman I have in my life. Honestly and truly she is the one person I go to to tell everything. Whether it be about school, guys, family, job hunting. Anything I will tell this woman everything. But I am so proud of her because she started this "Fat to Fab" weight loss challenge for Shape magazine and I've just spent half an hour watching her vlogs and reading her blogs. I am addicted to these things she's so amazing to me for doing this. But I am just so proud of her for doing this and she's lost weight and looks skinner already which is awesome, she's just now stuck at the plateau that I hit. But now I am soooooo friggin happy to tell you that I have now hit another plateau one that I am more than friggin happy to be on. I've lost 5 more pounds! BOO-YAH! Suck it diet! Hahaha, I'm just so happy over this you have no idea. After being stuck at the weight and then continuing to watch what I ate, walking 4 miles a day, drinking water everyday. Ugh I'm just so happy! So I've lost 45 pounds in a year and 3 months! Booyeah! It feels amazing to be at this right now, never thought I'd make it here and lookit! I'm here!

This weekend was pretty much a complete reverse of last weekend. Didn't see or really talk to my mom which I am perfectly happy with. If I don't talk or see her she can't yell at me for stupid shit that isn't my fault. But there two main reasons why this weekend rocked it hardcore. Jenn and Mary. I love these two women with every element that makes me up. (And I'm getting down to the tiniest part of existence so you know they're awesome!) I went to the movies with Mary on Saturday, haha, we went to see (wait for it, wait for it) Angels and Demons (shocker!). I got her text during the week while I was in a case in Special Procedures and when I read it the two techs that I've been working with for a good week looked at me like I was crazy because I started laughing hysterically. I started laughing hysterically when I got her text about the movie was because I knew for a fact that Ewan McGreggor was in it, knew it from the trailers and when I first saw the trailer I thought of Mary because of him haha, knew Mary would go see that movie solely for him haha. And it was just funny calling her out on it at the theater haha. As if I wouldn't know we were going to stare at a huge tv screen for a good hour and a half just for McGreggor. Haha, but it was great seeing her again and hanging out with her at starbucks and in the theater going up the stairs just see what was up there, watching the coming soon trailers and saying after almost everyone that we'd go see the movie together. Haha. Oh FYI Mary Quest Crew make an appearance in the 2nd Alvin and the Chipmunks movie...we are going to see that movie together. It comes out at christmas we are going to go see it. XD (Hokuto!!!) And then on Sunday I went for a 4 mile "run" with Jenn. We didn't actually run because I don't own a sports bra and she was worried for her life because of my huge boobs. Haha, don't you love your sisters?!?!? (My huge boobs are a running joke in our family...it's pretty bad haha) Not to mention it was pouring when we went. But the funniest part besides us cracking jokes while we walked roundswamp road was the fact that we dressed alike. It was scary yet hysterical! I wore a pair of black stretch work out pants, a red tank top and my black winthrop zippered hoodie. She wore black work out pants, a pink shirt and a black zippered hoodie. WTF?! I think our minds were wired together that morning or something haha! Then after our 4 mile walk in the rain we crashed on her couch did laundry and ordered pizza XD. Awesome weekend!

But I do have to start running with her if I want to be ready for the 3.1mi run in June. It's coming up quick but I should be good by June 11th, hopefully. And hopefully by running I'll lose the last 5. ::angels trumpets sound:: That'd be amazing!

'Katie are you distraught because Erwin is out of the country?'
'No Pat I'm actually happy he's not here.'
'Are you sure?'
'Yes.'

I may be feeling lonely sometimes during the week but I'm never going to go back to him. I just...don't know I want to start a relationship with someone but I haven't met anyone who keeps my attention. And I actually am happy that he's not here, out of sight out of mind is what they say and it's true. Not having to see him everyday for the past week has been a big help in slowly getting over him and I feel better about it all now. I'm not gonna lie it hurt a lot when he told me he had a new girl it hurt a hell of a lot. But we're not close like that and I doubt we ever really were. I'm just stuck waiting for the next best thing to come along and it sucks waiting. And I'm not over him completely yet because when I think about what we had before I'm happy I was happy back then and I am happy now it's just a different happy. And when I think about our relationship now and the fact that he's dating someone else it still hurts. It'll probably hurt for a long time but time heals all wounds and though this is a big wound it'll heal and I'll get really better eventually just not yet.

I am literally exhausted right now. Like dead tired exhausted. I guess waking up early has caught up with me and it's just making me cranky with my family and very very tired during school. Yesterday was bad, I got so pissed off at my brother and dad because the dog managed to chew something up again and then peed on the floor downstairs and they don't do anything to help me with it! Dad got the vacuum out with the rug attachment and I assumed he was going to help and vacuum the rug downstairs. He didn't he did the three rugs upstairs. And my brother is basically useless in every aspect so I don't ever expect him to help. But today turned into a bad day as soon as I walked in the door after getting a ride home from my sister and the first words out of my Mom's mouth weren't 'Hi honey haven't seen or talked to you in a week how was your day?' no it was 'When you get a chance walk the dog I know she's missed you.' and then she walks out the door saying she's going shopping with Dad. WTF!? Seriously?!?!?!?!?! WTF?!?!?!?! I saw red when she said that to me when I walked through the door. I saw red. I am just so tired of taking care of everyone and the house and the pets. I am exhausted and she tells me that. But I can't think about that I gotta think about the positive points of today, talked to my sister a lot today, talked to Mary today, was able to be around people I like for 8 hours of my day, I'm alive and well. I can't let her get to me like this anymore or I'm going to go crazy.

Now I'm off to walk the dog and watch some G. Lopez stand up. :)

So it's been a weird week. Got in trouble over the weekend because my brother can't decide on when he's hungry and when he's not. Haven't talked to my mom since Sunday or seen her really for that matter. Been waking up every morning during the work week at 5:40 so that I can walk to the train station and I am just exhausted now. Still stuck with the weight thing, still stuck at my last 10 lbs and I can't lose it so I'm going to start running with my sister in preparation for the L.I. Police Appreciation Run on Jun 11th. It's a 5 kilometer run so it shouldn't be that bad, says my sister. But I am the last person to take running...I hate it with a passion. But I also hate waking up at 5:40 in the morning to walk to the train station and yet I still do it everyday. So hopefully I'll stick with this running crap and lose the last 10 pounds. But most of all I'm worried about myself because I've noticed that I've been getting lonely a lot lately. Not lonely with friends but lonely in the romantic part of life. It just sucks. But I just gotta keep myself busy and keep my mind off that part of life or I'll go crazy.

So this weekend was supposed to be relaxing. It wasn't. Friday night and this morning I got all the chores done that my parents wanted me to do. They were all done by 8 o'clock this morning. They knew I was going to hang out with my sister later today, Thomas was going to be home alone for a couple of hours today. They knew that. Jenn and Glenn came and picked me up at around 3:30- 4 o'clock. The dog was walked, the house was clean, the dishes were washed. All Thomas had to do was go about his daily life and feed himself. I get a voice mail at 7:47 'It's Mom call me.' And it was in that tone that drives me fucking insane. That tone where it's not yelling but you know you're in trouble. So I called home, asked Thomas if he talked to Mom if he ate. The fucktard didn't eat and it's 8 by then. I tell Thomas to eat, make sure the dog goes out so her bladder doesn't explode and I hang up the phone. Then I call mom's cell figuring she'd pick up. She doesn't so I leave a voicemail on her phone. She calls me back at around 10. Not yelling at me but talking to me in that tone of voice that drives me up the wall and makes my skin crawl. She asks me where I am I tell her I'm at Jenn's then she tells me that Thomas hasn't eaten. I told her I knew because I called him and told him to eat. Then she starts telling me that I should go home soon so that he can eat. I tell her his 14 years old he should know when to eat and when not to eat. She tells me 'he's a special kind of 14 he's not normal'. I don't say anything, I'm done with that shit. I'm not babying him anymore, he's 14 with ADD and ADHD I know this because I've been there the whole fucking time but babying and telling him what he has to do and what he needs to do isn't helping him! He won't get in trouble for this I will. I will get in trouble for this shit because apparently I'm my brother's keeper. Fuck that! I will take care of him and make sure he's alright and have his back when my parents are screaming at him but I can not watch him 24/7 to make sure he's able to function. I'm sorry but I will not do that. After she tells me that she asks when I'm going home. I told her 'soon'. I knew it would drive her crazy and I didn't care. I don't care. I have my own life, I don't go out often maybe once or twice every other weekend. I do what they ask me to, I keep up my grades, I cook, clean, walk the dog, make sure the pets are fed. If I wanted to take care of a baby I'd have one. As you can see I am sans child.

So after getting off the phone with my mom I broke down at my sister's place. She brought me into her room and I cried my eyes in front of her. We talked and it made me feel better but seriously I am not a Mom, I don't want to be one yet, and they're forcing me into this role that I can't stand at all. I just don't want it right now. After graduating and getting my license as an xray technologist I plan on doing a 3month program to get my CT license and working per diem as an xray tech. Hopefully that will keep me out of the house and away from them. Then I plan on moving out asap.

I am the biggest idiot in the world. I really am. He has a new girlfriend. And even though we're on good terms again and we're talking I'm hurt all over again. My stomach bottomed out when he told me that tonight. And I just started crying because it hurts so much right now. I'm not over him I don't think I am because if I was it wouldn't hurt like this and it wouldn't make me cry like this. And I should've fucking known I really should've because I had the biggest gut feeling last week during lunch when he was there. He was talking on the phone with some chick and I had the biggest gut feeling that he was talking to his girlfriend. And I'm crying all over again. I can't do this anymore. I hate this I hate getting hurt I really do. I hate it. I can't stand it and I hate it. I don't know what to do and this is killing me...

A friend once told me: 'i believe thats what life is alll about..gettin ur heart stomped and broken into a million peices..and picking up each peice one at a time to form another big picture' and I agree with him but it's the hardest thing when you think u've got your heart put together a little bit and then it gets smashed all over again.

So first day back to the classroom today but second day back to school...it's hard sorta. Haha, I laugh about it now but today was pretty bad. I'm not mad at him anymore for not wanting to talk during the vacation or for the fact that he fell asleep on me when we were supposed to hang out. Yesterday I went straight to ortho instead of going over to the classroom to clock in. He text me at 8:18 yesterday to find out if I was coming in. I told him I was already at ortho and he said 'ohhh i c have fun' didn't talk to him again that day. Then this morning I was on the train talking to my sister and she kicked me when he came by said what's up to him, he didn't answer. We walked to the classroom together in silence. Then waited up in the hallway with the other students, he asked me after not saying anything to me for a good couple of minutes if I went tanning. I told him and another junior who I'm friends with that I fell asleep in the sun, we all had a laugh and he asked if I got sunburnt. Told him yea and he kept saying that he hates the summer and that he only gets darker. Then Anne came up to the hallway and we hugged and said hi. He told Anne that I got color which was moot point since she could see me and I had talked to her but he didn't know that so whatever. Then he comes up to me and says he wants to compare color so we held out our arms and put them next to each other, told him I'd never be as dark as him and started laughing. Then after we all punch in and I'm sitting down eating my strawberries he sends me 2 texts I didn't feel my phone vibrate the first time so he resent it, 'U mad at me?' I sent him back 'No' then the a-hole sends back 'ohhh ok just asking what ur problem' This annoys me. It really does, he can not talk/text me anyday he doesn't want to and I don't say a god damned thing and yet when I don't feel like talking or have anything to say to him I have a problem!? I mean I know I haven't told him that I don't want to ever sleep with him again but it's not like he's banging down my door to get at my body either!? I just...don't understand at all. So I sent back to him 'I don't have a problem. I'm good.' Haven't talked to him since. I can be nice to him and talk and have polite conversation with him but if I have nothing to say to him then I'm not going to talk to him, you know? And that means that I have a problem!? But I really can't complain other than that, he hasn't made a move on me or a pass so it's good. I'm doing good. He's slowly fading from my mind which I consider a plus in a way. I can't really remember his face if I sit here and think about it just his presence. I just gotta stay more focused on other stuff like school and resumes and the registry and I'll be fine. I'm just exhausted from thinking about that damn text when I shouldn't be at all! Ugh, I just want to get to the part in my life where I won't obsess over his text messages and just move on completely from him.

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us." -Helen Keller

Hi. I have thoughts reeling in my head and they need to come out otherwise I will go crazy. I’m nervous, about a lot of things right now but what I’m mostly nervous about is graduating. I’m terrified of it actually. I’m terrified that once I graduate I won’t have a job. And then all my goals that I have set for myself won’t happen. I’m terrified that I’ll be stuck living at home and I don’t want that at all. I need to start working on my resume and actually looking for jobs out there. But I’m terrified that it just won’t happen, that everyone else in my class will get jobs and I’ll be the only one who doesn’t. It just seems so huge right now and it’s scaring the crap out of me.

I’m also dreading going back to school. Not because it’s school but because of him. I’m afraid that I won’t be strong enough to not go back to him. To not fall into the same pattern I’m trying to pull myself out of. I’m afraid that when we’re alone that he’ll start to tease and it’ll get a little physical and I’ll fall right back into that pattern and I don’t want that. Because right now it’s hurting trying to pull myself out of this pattern of being rejected by him time and time again and accepting it and then going back for more. I haven’t talked to him since Saturday, 4 days….that’s a long time for me after talking to him every day. It hurts but I know it’s necessary to do this to move on. And it’s hard finding stuff to distract myself from him. It really is, the temptation is so strong to check his facebook or his myspace or to see if he’s on aim. Ugh, this sucks.

I’ve started writing again. A tactic that I’m trying to use to distract myself. I want to write a story or two using my computer game called the Sims 2. I’ve got an interesting plot going for two major characters that I want to use and slowly I’ve gotten back into the writing part. Another thing that I’m using to distract myself is movies and tv shows. I’ve downloaded a bunch of movies and some tv shows that I’ve wanted to see or want to catch up on. But yea, I need to find more distractions.

I got stood up again. What else is new these days. Was home alone last night and he was supposed to come over but he never did. Text him @ around 5 and he told me he'd 'get back to u'. Never did. I knew it was coming so I guess that's why it didn't hurt as much this time around. But I'm so fed up with him now. We can be friends but I'm not gonna ask to hang out with him anymore I guess I've just had enough being stood up or rejected. So now that that's over I gotta find something else to keep me occupied I guess.

Been talking about cars lately because I saw Fast and Furious 4 and the Tokyo Drift one. They've got some hot cars in those movies. I've come to realize that I like cars that have a more rounded body like the Nissan 350z from tokyo drift or the rx7. But then I'll turn around and love the muscle cars. It's weird.

School's going okay only 3 more months and then I'm out of there. I gotta get my resume together this week and then start looking at all the hospitals I want to apply to. Winthrop is not on that list though I can tell you that. I might even apply to New Jersey or Delaware if I can't find anything here. But I should be fine.

Firstly: People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blog and replace any question that they dislike with a new, original question.
Secondly: Tag eight people. Don't refuse to do that. Don't tag who tagged you.

01. Make a list of 5 things you can see:
1- My cellphone, which seems to always be on with no messages XD
2- My green iPod filled with songs that I love
3- My calender with all the days marked off (I'm a bit obsessive with calenders. Always have to have one in my room)
4- My registry review books that I have to start on
5- My stack of DVDs and CDs that I've collected over the years. This collection will get bigger once I move out guaranteed.

02. Would you ever get plastic surgery?
Doubt it. I'm not really into the fake parts syndrome. I like how I am the way I am.

03. Is there anything in your fridge right now that you would never eat/drink?
Rice/Tapioca Pudding

04. What's your occupation?
Student for another 4 months and then hopefully an x-ray tech.

05. Do you nap a lot?
Never

06. What was your first celebrity crush?
The guy who plays Angel in X-Men 3, he used to be a character in a show called Fast Forward and I fell in love with him then.

07. What's your current fandom/obsession/addiction?
Sudoku has become my most recent obsession I try to do a sudoku puzzle everyday.

08. What are you listening to right now?
Black Eyed Peas' new song 'Boom Boom Pow' I'm so excited that they're coming out with a new cd in the summer. Secondhand Serenade, Akon, Rihanna, The Fray.

09. What was the last text message you received?
My brother telling me he had to go because the basketball game was starting.

10. What websites do you always visit when you go online?
Verizon mail, Lj, facebook, newsday crossword/sudoku and various Lj communities.

11. What was the last thing you bought?
A subway sandwhich

12. Radiohead, Muse or Interpol? Choose one.
Radiohead

13. Does the weather affect your mood?
Yea I guess. If it's sunnier out it makes me want to stay outside more, if it's raining I want to stay inside/outside more.

14. What is your zodiac sign?
Libra

15. Name a song that makes you think about a ship/character that you like lately.
I can't think of any...

16. Weird dream:
I always have this reoccurring nightmare where I'm first lying face down in a carpet and I can see the carpet fibers then I stand up and I'm in a some sort of room where it has four walls but no ceiling and there's a group of babies are walking around in it talking about war strategies. They manage to get me to sit on this Naval Gun and then I wake up. It's a nightmare because of the feeling that I have during the whole thing, it's just this feeling of panic and fear.

17. Do you have any siblings?
Jenn (now 31 years old), Nina (now 18 years old), and Thomas (now 14 years old)

18. What's something you'd like to say to someone right now?
I have nothing to say.

19. What are your plans for next weekend?
I have none

20. Say something to the person who tagged you:
Mary's one of my best friends. We may not talk everyday but when we do talk we always fall into the same familiar bond that we've created since High School. She's one of the people I turn to when something goes wrong and I need to talk about it.